Terror in twenty syllables or less — Well it’s that time of year again where everyone is angry because the summer is over, and we are all embroiled in the annual civil war over pumpkin-spice products. Fall. However, summer-ending depression gives way to our first real holiday of the cold-weather season: Halloween. Last year I wrote “Two-Sentence…

The Harrowing True Tale of a Gephyrophobial Arachnophobial Acrophobiac The Gephyrophobia Incident My fear of bridges came at an early age. I can remember the day it happened. I was in the back seat of the car with my mom driving. This, in and of itself, is scary. My mom…

You’ll never fail if you don’t try, so don’t try and you’ll never fail — With the New Year upon us, it’s time to start making resolutions that we’ll all inevitably break by 12:01 a.m. on January 1st. Here are some easy-peasy resolutions you can make and keep, even if you don’t want to. The key is in keeping them vague. …

The art of angering your family from the grave — You’re going to die. Whether it be today when you tell your wife that she doesn’t load the dishwasher correctly, or tomorrow when you again tell your wife that she doesn’t load the dishwasher correctly, it is inevitable. Death will find you. Enter the Last Will and Testament. The Will…

Dear Santa, send help — Every year, my wife and mom ask me what I want for Christmas. Every year I answer, “I would like one million dollars.” Every year, I am really disappointed on Christmas morning. I don’t need or want anything. My wife and I usually buy what we want for ourselves during…

Steamy sexy silly smut in twenty syllables or less — I don’t know why this picture showed up when I searched images for “erotica,” but I guess everyone has their own kink, even if it is a picture of Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter with facial tattoos, idk. Hot on the heels of my highly successful “One-Sentence Horror Stories” and…

I see dead peeps — Every great movie has at least one memorable line that, when you say it, immediately brings you to the very scene in which it was uttered. “I’ll be back.” - Terminator “Hasta la vista, baby.” - Terminator 2 “I’m an architect for Christ sake, I build 50-story skyscrapers, I assemble…

Stupid origin stories that MUST be made — When I was a kid, everything we watched on television had its entire backstory explained in the opening theme song or credits. …

Finally some pain and torture we can all get behind — “I want to play a game.” For millions of people who have sat through every one of the “Saw” movies, this line is as iconic as “We’re gonna need a bigger boat” from Jaws, “I’ll be back” from Terminator, and “F*** motherf***** sh** f***” from any movie starring Samuel L…